This morning during our smallgroup meeting we were talking about our favourite passages in the Bible or things we recently thought about. Marco read Matthew chapter 10 in which Jesus sends his disciples into the world. And he also tells them not to bring stuff with them they don't really need (verses 9 and 10). It reminded me of a very funny passage from "The Sacred Diary of Adrian Plass, Christian Speaker aged 45 3/4." Here it comes:
After these things the Lord appointed another seventy also and sent them two by two ahead of him to every town and place where he was about to go. Het told them: "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest , therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field. Go! I am sending you out like lambs among wolves. Take neither purse nor scrip, nor sandals; and do not greet anyone on the road."
And behold one of the seventy raiseth his hand and enquireth: "When thou sayest "sandals" , Lord, do we taketh that to be an generic term which denoteth all forms of footwear, or focusseth thou in on sandals in particular? I asketh only because I possesseth an exceeding fine pair of walking boots, ideal for those who hiketh around as thou art indeed commanding us to do."
Before the Lord could reply, another breaketh in and saith: "Lord, I heareth what thou art saying, but behold, the skin that undergirdeth mine feet and also the feet of mine friend, Fidybus - he who maketh a pair with me as we getteth on well over long periods and always have done since we playeth together as children...Er, the subject of mine speech escapeth me..."
Jesus saith wearily: "Something about the skin that undergirdeth thine feet, and these of thine friend, Fidybus?"
"Ah, verily, yes, it cometh back now. The skin that undergirdeth mine feet is like unto that which undergirdeth the feet of mine friend, Fidybus, in that it very soon waxeth tender and painful on rough ground. And it just striketh us that the sight of two men who hold heavily onto each other and hobbleth slowly and painfully along, going "Oo!" and "Ah!" and "Ow!" whensoever they putteth down a foot, might cause those who dwell in the towns and places to which thou sendest us to scoff when we imparteth the news that the Son of God approacheth presently. "What state musteth his feet be in, if he cannot keep up with these two clowns?" they will mock. Might, therefore, Master, we ask thine blessing on the idea of wrapping strips of rag round and round each of mine feet and each of those belonging to mine friend, Fidybus? After all, strips of rag falleth well outside the dictionary definition of sandals, does thou not agree?"
And behold, an veritable babel of footwear-related queries filleth the air, and Jesus raiseth his hand and saith: "Hold on a minute, let me maketh myself clear. No sandals mean nothing on thine feet, all right? Nothing! Neither walking boots, nor strips of rag, nor tennis shoes, nor high-heeled slingbacks, nor Wellingtons, nor roller-boots, nor skateboards, nor anything that I mighteth construe as an sandal in the broadest sense of the word. Understandeth thou all? Good. Now, departeth thou in twos and..."
"Er, excuse me, Lord."
"Yes, Thomas?"
"Regarding thine command that we travel in twos."
"Yes?"
"Er, no one desireth to go with Thribbiel."
And the Lord enquireth: "Well, why doth no one desire to go with Thribbiel? He looketh all right to me."
"He's a bit funny, Lord."
"Well, we are all a bit funny, aren't we? Anyway, I invariably organizeth it so that we have even numbers. Who goest thou with, Thomas?"
Thomas replieth mournfully: "No one desireth to go with me either, Lord. No one picketh me even at junior school."
"Well, for all thou knowest, Thribbiel might desire to accompany thee?"
"I doubt it."
"Well, let's ask him, shall we? Thribbiel, dost thou wish to accompany Thomas?"
"Yeah, Lord, but canst thou ask of him that he cometh over a bit less negative? He can be a real Eeyore."
"Thomas, canst thou do that?"
"I doubt it, but, verily, I will try."
"Good," saith the Lord, "now mayhap, we can get on. Departeth thou in twos and..."
"Command Thribbiel that he be less funny, Lord. There existeth little point in me being more positive if he maketh no attempt..."
"Sorteth it out between you!" saith the Lord. "Verily, this whole affair beginneth to feel more like an Brownie picnic than a commission to establish the Kingdom of God." He pauseth to collect himself. "Now, I repeateth my command that thou departest in twos, take neither purse nor scrip nor sandals and do not greet anyone on the road. Now, go!"
But immediately one of the seventy raiseth his hand to ask the Lord if an small pink face-towel mighteth be taken, and that setteth all the others off all over again.
One enquireth concerning his personal toilet kit which fitteth nicely into an little pocket specially sewn into his robe by his mother, another pleadeth to be allowed an small stuffed animal without which he feeleth insecure at night, and yet another postulateth an situation in which he meeteth the Lord himself on the road, and querieth whether the command not to greet anyone applieth in that case, until, behold, there ariseth an great clamour of foolish enquiries.
Then the Lord shouteth for silence, and saith: "Look, I don't think we've quite grasped the theory behind this trip, have we? The idea is not that thou smugglest sundry items into thine luggage using as an crummy excuse that stuffed toys cometh not under the Oxford Dictionary definition af sandals, but rather that thou art dependant on me! Understandest thou that? No purse, no scrip, no sandals, no teddy bear, no Barclaycard, just go!"
Then a lengthy silence falleth, and just as Jesus believeth they are truly about to depart, an nervous hand raiseth itself.
Jesus regardeth the owner of the hand with narrowed eyes. "Yes?"
"Er, regarding thy command that we should take no scrip, Lord?"
"Yes."
"Well, er, to be honest, I knoweth not what an scrip is, Lord, and, wel, it worrieth me that I might er, taketh an scrip without realizing I've got it. So I just thought..."
On hearing this the remaining sixty-nine scoffeth loudly, laughing and crying: "Hah! Thou dolt! Knoweth thou not what an scrip is? Surely all possesseth that knowledge. What an div!"
Then Jesus gritteth his teeth and saith: "Very well, who can telleth us what an scrip is?"
Behold, the confidence of the sixty-nine draineth away. One hazardeth an guess that an scrip is "what you use in a play".
Jesus shaketh his head and saith: "All right, how many knoweth not what an scrip is?"
All seventy raiseth their hands.
Jesus emitteth an little sigh, and smileth to himself, and saith: "Okay, taketh the weight of thine feet. Behold, I commenceth from the beginning..."
