Lame

Yesterday I was so proud of my profound little poem. Now I think it's kinda lame.
Even though Laurissa thinks it's 'mooi'. :)

I let...

I lie in the grass,
and I let the smell of spring surround me.
I stare at the sun,
and I let its warmth caress my face.
I dangle my feet in a cool brook,
and I let the water make my toes tingle.
I pick a wild flower,
and I let its delicacy amaze me.

I walk in the wind,
and I let its coldness depress me.
I read the paper,
and I let the articles frustrate me.
I watch the news,
and I let the images scare me.
I sit on the couch,
and I let the loneliness hurt me.

I go to the Lord,
and I let Him comfort me.

This week

I decided this week would be the week in which I get rid of things that bother me, and that I would solve problems, and make things better for myself.

It's not easy. It takes a lot of courage. Now I just have to wait for the results.

My 3rd post for today, I guess I was bored...funny cartoon!

German

I just had a German passenger on the phone. And I handled the whole call in German. I'm pretty proud of myself.

Gern geschehen!

(right?)

Busy

Lord, work is flipping (can I say that?) busy! But I had a talk with my supervisor and I might soon start working 4 days instead of 5! I already feel more relaxed.
But today I started working 8 hours again instead of 6 and it's looooong. So I have to get used to that again.
But I'm feeling good. Tired, but good.

There and back again

If anyone recognizes the title of this post, "There and back again", let me know!

Anyway, I went to Krakow, and now I'm back again, already. It was waaayyyy too short!
It was a lot of fun hanging out with Magda. We talked a lot! We also had a lot of fun writing postcards to our friends, which I guess is everyone who reads this.
So, look forward to some cool cards. Well, at least Magda and I think they're cool.
I wish I could post some pictures on my blog, but I have no internet at home, so I guess that will have to wait...

Now I'm back at work and it is boring and stressful at the same time. So no fun. But what can you do? Tomorrow I have to work as well. On a sunday! I really hate that.

Isn't it weird how life can be hard and wonderful at the same time? Good thing God is with us always. No matter how we feel. Happy or sad. And that is a great comfort!

Yeah, my shift is over. I think I'm going to take a walk in Vondelpark. That has been one of my favourite things to do lately.

Later! :)

Men (and women): Read This!

I'm reading "Captivating" from John and Stasi Eldredge. Again. I wrote something about it before, but it's just such a good book. I wanted to share this passage with you:

John is talking about how he didn't really want to co-write a book about the "mystery of a woman's soul" because he was scared to delve into that part of a woman's life. So he writes this:

I knew it would require me to enter into the world of women - and into my woman's world - in a far deeper way than daily life requires of me. To do any sort of justice to a book for women would require me to go deeper, listen even more carefully, study, delve into the mystery (okay-bloody mess) of a woman' s soul. Part of me just didn't want to go there. I had what felt like an allergic reaction. Pull back. Withdraw.
I was keenly aware of this going on inside me, and I felt like a jerk. But I also knew enough about myself and about the battle for a woman's heart that I needed to explore this ambivalence. What is this thing in me - and in most men - that just doesn't want to go deep into a woman's world? You are too much. Too hard. It's too much work. Men are simpler. Easier.
And isn't that just the message you've lived with all your life as a woman? "You are too much, and not enough. You're just not worth the effort." (And why is it such an effort? There must be something wrong with you.)
Now, part of a man's fundamental reluctance to truly dive into the world of a woman comes from a man's deepest fear, failure. Oh, he may joke about "the differences of men and women." Mars and Venus and all that. But the truth is, he is afraid. He fears that having delved into his woman's world, he won't have what it takes to help her there. That is his sin. That is his cowardice. And because of her shame, most of the time a man gets away with it. Most marriages (and long-term dating relationships) reach this sort of unspoken settlement. "I'm not coming any closer. This is as far as I'm willing to go. But, I won't leave, and that ought to make you happy." So there is this sort of detente, a cordial agreement to live only so close.
The effect is that most women feel alone. Some of this is simply selfishness on the part ofmen. Lord knows men are selfish and self-centered. When Eve was first assaulted, Adam didn't do jack squat. Men sin through violence and through passivity. It's that plain and simple...and ugly.

Okay, this was not meant as an attack on men! I just thought it was very interesting and helpful. If you want to learn more about women, read "Captivating". If you want to learn more abot men (who doesn't?) read "Wild at Heart" by Jon Eldredge.

Just an idea...

It's been a while...

Finally an update on my blog!
Well, what can I say. I've been back at work and it's alright. It's not that much fun, but it's work. It gives me money, so I can live in Amsterdam.
Amsterdam is gorgeous when the sun shines. Last week I decided to walk all the way through Vondelpark, from one end to the other. I thought it would take me a really long time, but it only took me about half an hour. It was soooo good. Just walking, enjoying the sunshine, watching the people, kids and dogs. So nice!
And I've been sitting on my tiny balcony sunbathing. I love the sun!
One of my housemates is moving out in October and it's almost certain I can move into her room then. But I have to leave the room I have now in about six weeks. So I needed a place to stay from the end of June until the end of September. And I found one! With a little help of some really cool people! I can move into the same building where Nienke from the headoffice lives. Every other week I have smallgroup at her place too, so that would be perfect.
Today I have training again at my job. I had to decode this three letter code of an airport: BFD.
It's Bradford, Pennsylvania! So I had to think about Laurissa! Nice.
Next week I'll see Magda, can't wait!
Lately I had this longing to become a elimentary school teacher. Not sure why. Maybe I should find some info about part-time education.
I'm also trying to figure out what I wanna do for a job. So it would really help me if you can tell me what kind of job you think would really suit me.
Well, that's my update for now!

Krakow, here I come!

Yeah, I just booked a flight to Krakow! I'm going to visit Magda in May! I'm excited.
I love travelling. And seeing my favourite Polish friend ofcourse!

A bit better

I'm doing a little better. I'm going back to Amsterdam tomorrow and will have to start working again next week. I've been thinking a lot about what I wanna do with my life. It's not easy!
I think I wanna do some type of mission thing in the future, like work in an orphanage in Romania. I would love something like that!
But at this point I think I have to work on some personal things first. I feel empty sometimes and I think I should be recharged first before I can mean something to anyone else. I will take some counseling to work out some personal issues. Thanks for keeping me accountable (Cecilia!).
And at this moment I love living in Amsterdam. And I love going to Crossroads.
I think I'm gonna see if there's something cool for me to do in Crossroads.
And I'm trying to find a job for 4 days a week instead of 5 so I have some more time for God, my friends, and myself. So, I got a little more clarity on what to do.
That's good.
I'm happy.
Praise God!!!

The Analyst

I saw my doctor yesterday. He said I think too much (among other things).
It reminded me of one of my favourite songs by my favourite singer, The Analyst by Delta Goodrem.
Read the lyrics!

Prepare yourself to meet a girl who can not sleep
Dividing every question 'til the questions are complete
Every twisted tongue she studies everyone
She won't leave any stone unturned the night is oh so young

Oh oh she's travelling back in time
Questioning every line that someone said
Oh oh she's trying to understand

Free her mind she's always the analyst
Silent space the culprit the catalyst
Trying to make sense of her life
Digging around in the dirt she's a slave to the work
She's always the analyst

Can you be sure we haven't met see the eyes they don't forget
They wander through the passage-ways that tease a restless mind
Can't afford to slip the picture's gotta fit
Her world's a photograph that gets dissected bit by bit

Oh oh she's travelling back in time
Questioning every line that someone said
Oh oh she's trying to understand

Free her mind she's always the analyst
Silent space the culprit the catalyst
Trying to make sense of her life
Digging around in the dirt she's a slave to the work
She's always the analyst

Re-living the mistake she's made not a moment for the curious girl

Free her mind she's always the analyst
Silent space the culprit the catalyst
Trying to make sense of this life
Digging around breaking it down
Neurotic thoughts
Burning the ground
Every sight every sound
She's always the analyst

Doing worse

Well, I was reading some of my ex-shelter friends blogs and came to the conclusion that they all seem to do better. Which makes me happy!
On the other hand, now I'm not doing too well.
I think I'm over-exhausted or maybe even have a bit of a burn out. I'm seeing my doctor this friday to see what he says.
I'm staying at my parents house right now, I don't know yet for how long.
Lately I just had a lot of trouble sleeping, I have headaches, I have depressed feelings, I worry all the time and I just can't seem to relax. I find things in my life I wanna change and work on, and I just don't have the time and energy to do that. So everything just piles up.
I really hope I can rest and relax and figure out some stuff for myself in the coming days (or weeks).
Cause I have this constant restless feeling and it sucks!

I feel like a real grown up now, having a burn out!

Doing better

Okay, everyone who knows me a bit also knows that my depressions are very temporary. They usually last a few hours. So if you were worried after reading my last post, don't be!
I'm doing a lot better already.
And the sun is out today! Praise God for spring!
I once told a friend that if I weren't a christian I would be a sun worshipper!

Anxiety

I think I had a bit of an anxiety attack today. I already woke up not feeling too well.
This week we're getting more trainings at work. It's so much information and it just doesn't fit into my head because it's too full with my own stuff.
During the afternoon I started worrying about all kinds of things. About my current job that I don't really like, how tired I am, that I still have to find a new place to live, what to do with my life, how I will become happy, how I should spend my free time, my ambitions, my hobbies, my money. Everything! I got really warm and sweaty and I almost started crying in the classroom! This is horrible. I think I need some counselling.
And what is it about the Shelter that makes life afterwards so hard for everyone?

Honestly!

Allright, I guess it's time for some honesty!
People have been asking me how I'm doing and how my job is going. And I ususally answer: I'm allright, the job is good!
But actually I'm not doing that well and my job's not that much fun either. And as soon as I wrote this last sentence I felt what I always feel: worried that other people might worry about me. And guilty for complaining. That's why I never answer these questions honestly (bad christian!!).
Anyway, I've been doing some soul searching lately. Trying to figure out what I wanna do with my future. Trying to find out what will truly make me happy. You would think you know what you want. But you don't! You have to work hard to figure it out!
Anyway, in a spontaneous moment of craziness maybe, I filled in an online job applictaion form for Bagels and Beans. I had a busy day at work and at this moment anything sounds better than answering tons of phonecalls ( I hate phones, remember). But after I sent the application form, the following line appeared on the website:

Thank you for being interested in working for Bagels & Beans. In the meantime, why don't you think about this quote by famous philosopher Aristotle who lived between 384 and 322 B.C.:
"All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind".

Does that mean it's impossible to find a truly fulfilling job?

Still, I think it would be cool to work for a company that puts this kind of quote on their website!

No pretending that work is fun!

Ha, ha, ha :)

Tagged

I got my first salary today! I'm excited. And I guess pretty shallow to be excited about money...

Anyway, Meghawoman tagged me, so here's my (incomplete) list:

Four jobs I've had:
-Working at the Postbank selling travel insurances (on the phone)
-Working for TPG Post doing research after missing letters and packages (no phone calls here)
-Working for NUON (energy provider) at the customer care department (handling phone calls)
-Working for KLM (my current job) at the reservations department (handling phone calls)
(How do I end up in these kinds of jobs, considering my phone phobia?)

Four movies/shows I've been addicted to: (this one's easy!)
-Felicity
-Friends
-Pride and Prejudice
-Lost

Four places I've lived:
-Blerick
-Franeker
-Hengelo
-Amsterdam

Four countries I would like to visit:
-USA
-Russia
-Poland
-Mexico

Four popular false assumptions about me:
-That I only like sweet girly music (but actually I also like stuff like Garbage and Linkin Park)
-That I'm a good student (I graduated without really studying, I hardly ever did my homework)
- ?
- ?

Four people I look like (or I wish I looked like):
-My sister
-My mom
-Kate Winslet (when I had long wavy hair, I looked a teeny bit like her)
- ?

Four things to do before I die:
-Get married and have kids
-Travel to every country on my list (see post from Aug.19)
-Take art classes
-Learn to play an instrument

Addicted

I rented "Lost" on DVD. I'm totally addicted now.

And, I got a new mobile phone a few days ago. You can download lots of fun songs as ringtones for it. Am now addicted to that, too.

What to do?

Elke's sister

What's this? The information given about me on the Shelter Blog Network has been reduced to this: "Elke's sister".
Is that what I am? Is that all I am? Is that really all there is to say about me?
How about:
The most beautiful ex-Shelter staffmember the world has ever known, the sweetest girl on the planet, the one person you can't live without, the one with the best tea and cookies, and the funnest friend you could wish for!
Just joking. Actually I am just Elke's sister. And proud of it!

100%

Today at work we had a test to see how we're doing so far.
We had to make a test of airport codes and airline codes, and than we had a test of the computer system we work with. And I scored 100% on both!
I'm kind of proud of myself. Even though it was easy and I hardly had to study cause I already knew most of it.
Still.
I'm happy!